I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
