there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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