did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Randomize
