bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
