I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
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