found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
dude she licked ball and has every Are you afraid of the dark episode on dvd
lock that shit down
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Randomize
