I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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