my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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