I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Randomize
