Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
There's even glitter on my cock...
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
