Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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