Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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