You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Randomize
