All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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