i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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