Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
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