I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
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