So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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