I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Randomize