and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
