I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Randomize
