I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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