i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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