You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Randomize
