i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Randomize
