I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
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