You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
