I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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