what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
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