She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
i need an iv and a liver transplant
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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