I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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