do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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