So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
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