She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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