I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
The beer is more important than you right now.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
