Is it weird that we showed each other our pussy's and pointed out the good and bad things about each others??
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
