Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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