i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
and i looked up. we had an audience...
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
