They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
