I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
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