When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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