you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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