I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
