your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
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