Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize