I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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