I'm laying in your front yard are you home
what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Too much gin, very little bucket
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
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