Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
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