I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
Randomize
