If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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