I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
