I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
