dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
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