I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Randomize
