sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Why is there bacon in the couch?
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
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