He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
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