He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
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