john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
and you fell through a lawn chair
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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