My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
