Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Randomize
