and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
